||[16 Aug 2006|11:12pm]
Hi everyone. I MUST FIRST SAY, THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY...please continue to read if you are interested ...because this will be an interesting rollercoaster of events. I will be detailed, honest, fairly unbiased (although I will have my raging of anger and outbursts), and mostly ..I will be needing YOUR HELP. Read it , laugh, weep, critisize, whatever ...but remember that I am human, you are human, we all need advice and this is my way of getting it......I will not get much help ..I might get tons..I might get critisized but I just want help. If by all means, I can touch you or we can share experiences and advice, then that is even better. Subscribe to me. I doubt I'll ever reveal my identity because this journal will be detailed to the fullest. Maybe one day, maybe considering I expect to be with him foreverANDever. But remember, I am loved and hurt. Its an ongoing cycle. Our relationship isnt deep in waters, but we argue about everything you can think of.....please continue reading.
This journal will be the rollercoaster of me and my boyfriend's ongoing relationship. It is hard to spit out all the details of our relationship right now, but it will come along and all the ends will meet in due time. In short, we have been going out for almost two years now and we love each other to death. He is my best guy friend, and were different from most other couples in the way that we do basically everything together. We cry together, play arcade games together, read together, study together, talk about our deepest fears.. desires ... secrets with each other, we even have sex with each other (not susposed to be funny..although coincidentally it is!), we are truly in love and I believe he is the one for me. I have been involved in three other serious relationships..I have learned a lot from those. (will write more on that in due time) , he has had dates but I am his first real girlfriend and that is why I think he is lacking the skills and pumps necessary to drive our relationship into a successful one. Not only do we do everything together, we argue A LOT. I mean ....we argue every other time we see each other. We get lucky if for a week..we don't argue. But that dosnt happen often since I find stuff to pick at.
Sometimes ..(and maybe im right), I think why we argue so much is because I argue so much...and that I need to fix something in myself...maybe I am dealing with self-identity issues andI am bringing them into the relationship by finding things to argue about....we will find out (hopefully) in due time if this is correct..but for now I am furious. We argue like crazy, and its not even about REAL things . For example, we dont cheat on each other and argue about that (by the way we would never cheat on each other) , its not like we abused each other or anything crazy like that. We argue about STUFF. Daily stuff you would think someone wouldnt get mad over, but you do anyways.
And so right now, why I am sometimes unhappy about our relationship is because he dosnt act like a MAN, i dont know if its because that is how he is , or its because he dosnt have relationship experience? Perhaps both? .....but I shall explain that another time as well. There is way too much to explain. Basically, I always take initiative, I always make the plans, I always want the hug or the kiss, I always am the SMART one, he's the smart ass. ....On the other hand, he is most sweetest adorablest guy Ill ever MEET , EVER. And although he dosnt show he cares much, I know he does...but it hurts.
Im loved and hurt. (Am I even using the correct grammar?)
SO HERE IS TODAY'S SCENARIO:
I havnt had a real outing with him for over a week because I had been out of town, so when we met up, it was like love in the air.....we hugged kissed, watched tv.....he had 'plans ' for me which turned out tobe a $15 lunch from pat N oscars that he had brought home for us to eat...(which by the way was delicious) I kind of got frustrated that he wasnt home on time..I had to wait approx. 5 min outside in the hot sun while he was susposedly 'dropping off mail' (which in fact, he was getting the food), I wish he had timed it right ...I mean he knew what time I was getting there...he had all the time in the world.......but he waited last minute to shower and everything.....but anyway we enjoyed our food tremendously and then we made love. It was exciting, although I wished he used his hands to grasp me more and hold me tigher instead of letting me get the orgasm myself...(I felt like I was doing myself) But he knows...I just hate having to tell him again and again. ...maybe next time. All in all, it was a great love making session...
AH BUT WAIT, the TV WAS ON. I always mention to him to NOT HAVE THE TV on. It is distracting to hear news or laughter in the background when all I want to hear is his pants, moans and our skin rubbing against each other oh so lovingly...*sighs* maybe next time?
We took a nap after that, and when I woke up I felt extremely flustered and hot. It was heating up in the room (perhaps the window drapes were preventing the wind from coming in the room)....and my neck hurt because the pillow had been on the floor the entire time...my head hurt because I am on my monthly cycle (No , I am not PMSING)......I immediately looked at the time and saw that it was close to 6:45pm...I had to be home at 10 and we still had hours to go and things to do...I told him I had to get gas and go to the bank....why did he sleep with me? Why couldnt he just lay there next to me...he didnt tell me he was going to be sleeping too. Time wasted.....I saw the pillow on the ground and complained that why was the pillow on the ground.....my neck had been hurting. I looked over at the fan and saw it rotating ...why wasnt it in place I asked? I saw the food we ate still left on the ground (he has no furniture)....WHY ???It would rott..why waste money??!
He responded ..and said that he didnt know he was going to sleep either....he said he cant predict when I need the pillow and he said why cant I ask for the fan to blow a certain way. He immediately (and rudely) grabbed the food and put it in the fridge. I felt as though he should have been MAN enough and realized how hot it was in the room and had the fan blowing in our direction to begin with.....(not all across the room), we should have made sure I had a pillow to sleep on....and he should have common sense and put the food in the fridge.
Anyway, we headed over to the bank (I was still frustrated..perhaps because of my headache and neck ache) and then to the mall. I did not know why we headed to the mall but he explained he wanted to take initiative because if he had asked ..I would not have answered or cared. Good choice I thought. And so during our walk to enter the mall, I tried to make things up and apologized for the way I had been acting (although I still cearly thought it was mostly his fault for those things that happened at his room)....But i was truly sory for the way I put my feelings out like that...I touched him and continued to walk normally...he didnt want to hear it and simply said 'things are going to be fixed magically' ...and so I got mad. WHY? because everytime i try to fix something..my fault or not...he dosnt let me and then when i get SUPER furious....he finally wants to. WHY? I am so mad , that I dont want to fix things..not at that moment anyway. ..and so I walked a little slower...and a little faster and back and forth..he noticed...we entered the mall where I walked through Robinsons May. He had been behind me, but when I turned around..he was GONE
I was EVEN MORE FRUSTRATED. How could he just leave me??? I knew he must be getting a drink because we were both thirsty but I was not 100% sure. And plus, how could he just leave me???????? 10 minutes later (I was in the store looking around , frustrated) he calls me and asks me where am I at. I asked him what he heck he was doing...he said he had gotten a drink..and i said 'you couldnt tell me that?..you had to leave me..walk away from me...??..what is wrong with you...' BY THE WAY, this was the 2nd time he did this walking away from me at the mall thing when we were mad at each other..and I told him to not do it again.........
and so i hung up saying that if he left me, he was to find me. I continued romaing the mall when he continued calling me asking where I was...I did not tell him....I mean he did leave me why is he going to ask me where I am when he LEFT ME??? .....to make the long story short...half an hour later he found me and I insisted that I wanted to go home at that moment. He asked me if I would like to drink some of the drink he bought..I looked over at it and realized it had been halfway druken. HE KNEW IT WAS THIRSTY..my head had hurted ..I had been craving juice....but he had drank most of it ....left me and now is giving me that crap. NO WAY.......He drove back to his place where I stormed up to his room grabbed my stuff and headed to my car..he kept following me and asked me to stay in the room and watch tv with him ..to 'fix things' and i refused..said I had to get gas and go home.and he let me drive off. I drove around the corner and got so furious I broke down.......
I love him so much.........and I know he loves me but I can't control how I feel about what he does sometimes...he makes me mad and frustrated SO MUCH. after 5 min I call him and he says he is at the gas station looking for me...but I am not there. I told him that I wasnt there...and he asked where I was...I said that its none of his business and hung up. 10 minutes later I head to the gas station , didnt see him got gas then headed back to his place hoping he was there......I had given in to temptation and wanted to talk to him....hoping he would see me so sad and strucken with fear and hurt....his car was not there. I had called and he told me he was at my house.........
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? He assumed too fast, TOO WRONG. I got furious again and told him not to wait for me, driving to my house wasnt going to fix things and who said that waitin at my house meant that I would get out to talk to him? He said he had been driving 90 and swerving in between cars to catch up with me......I HATE IT WHEN HE PUTS HIS LIFE IN DANGER. its not the first time he did this...if something were to happen to him ID FEEL SO BAD SO HORRIBLE...and not even that....just the thought of the higher risk of losing him hurts so much that he could just put his life out like that.......using his car (sporty car by the way) to race across the freeway......that put me in a more horrible mood.
When I got nearly home, I spotted his car and drove past it and parked. He proceeded to walk up to the car and asked if I could unlock the door. I did so....we argued and talked and argued. i poked fun at his car, and he poked fun at mine but at the end.....he left. He left me again, walked away. Its what he does best. So I told him his car was a piece of crap ( didnt mean that) but I knew it would get him in the right place.......its funny how he does all these things to me and it dosnt seem to mean so much but when I mention his car ..he tells me 'I cant believe yousaid that about my car...no one says that.....I HAVE TO LEAVE' ......HE WALKED AWAY FROM ME ......and I broke down for a while......hoping to see his face at my windowshield begging for a conversation..I would have apologized and cried and wept..and been happy....we probably would have made up but I didnt see anything but darkness..the trees and the water that surrounded my burning eyes. My heart hurted so much. I mean if argue about all these little things...what will it be like when we argue about the big stuf? when we live together? ..But i love him so much.......but we argue all the time..but I KNOW were meant tobe together FOREVER AND EVER. I KNOW HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME.......were inseperable but under the happiness is a heart that is halfway broken...lovedandhurt(ed)..........
what is wrong with me? why cant i be so understanding? why cant he be a man? .....I know ill never find anyone like him. I dont want to lose him. I know he dosnt want to lose me. I just need help.......I just need help. What do I do, what should I do? He is probably asleep right now....he has work tommorow morning...........Im tired of taking initiative..im tired of calling him names and making him feel like shit, although thats how i feel like sometimes...shit..he treats me like shit. For the most part, he dosnt ..why does it have tobe so complicated?
confusing isnt it? there is so much more to us...